


To Love A Man

by BL_Addicted99



Series: Buddie Fics [1]
Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Friends to Lovers, Hurt/Comfort, Insecure Evan "Buck" Buckley, M/M, Misunderstandings, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Oblivious, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-01
Updated: 2019-11-15
Packaged: 2021-01-16 15:47:32
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 9,146
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21273686
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BL_Addicted99/pseuds/BL_Addicted99
Summary: Being in love with his best friend was not something that Evan Buckley thought would happen to him. But it did. And he's trying to live with it. It's hard, though. Very difficult.The hardest part is coming to the realization that he never stood a chance. That is probably the worst of the worst. Especially when he only realized because said best friend asked him to watch his son because he has a date. Yeah, that stung. Quite painfully so.





	1. I Wish It Was Me

It’s been exactly 5 months since Buck figured it out. 

Exactly five months ago, Buck realized why he cared so much. Why he always wanted to hang out with them. Why he instantly felt better when one of them was around.

He loves them. He loves both of them.

He’s in love with Eddie Diaz. And he loves Christopher Diaz like his own.

He was in love with his best friend.

It wasn’t easy. It wasn’t a slow process he could get used to. It wasn’t like that. No. it hit him. Like a ton of bricks. Or like a firetruck. Yeah, that’s a great example. He knows precisely what that feels like.

He was just hanging out with them, like he did on most of his off days. It was getting quite late. The clock almost reaching 10. The three of them were sitting on the couch, the tv playing the end titles of Shrek that no one was really paying attention too. 

Buck was sat in the middle, squashed between the Diaz duo. Christopher insisted, so he could cuddle with his Buck during the movie. Halfway through the movie though, Eddie had chuckled and had pointed at his son. It was than that Buck noticed that Chris was sound asleep with his head rested on Buck’s chest and his legs thrown over his lap. It was adorable. So naturally, he had asked Eddie to snap a few pictures.

Even with the kid asleep, they both didn’t feel the need to get up and change the movie. They were perfectly content with a children’s movie.

At the end of the movie, only Buck remained awake. He was the only one who was fully aware of what was happening. He had stayed perfectly still, trying not to wake his best friend or the kid who was comfortably tucked under his arm. 

To this day, he could easily remember how he had looked down at his best friend. At Eddie. He was, just like his son, snuggled close to Buck. The only difference was the way he was nuzzling his head into the crook of Buck’s shoulder. Buck could still feel the soft puffs of breath against the side of his neck. He could still feel the chills it send down his body. He could still vividly feel the way his heart skipped a beat when he couldn’t stop staring at his best friend’s content expression. 

In all honest, it scared him. Not the fact that he was in love, because he obviously didn’t think he would ever feel that, for a long time. No. What scared him the most, was the fact that he was so deeply in love with the man that he knew he would easily choose the man’s happiness over his own.

He had a very colorful conversation with Maddie about this. The amount of times she had told him to just tell Eddie was high. He knew that his sister only wanted him to be happy. He knew that his sister could see he was starting to hurt. And that was the last thing his sister wanted for him. Especially after everything that happened to him. 

Buck softly shook his head, placing an empty cup in the sink. The dark stains of coffee in the mug were still visible. Just like the very same white mug from the day before. And the day before that.

A sigh left his lips as he walked back towards the couch. 

He was alone again. Alone in his apartment which seemed unnecessarily empty. It was only filled with the furniture that would be needed. Not a single thing more. He hated it. How empty it looked. More than once would his thought wander of. Thinking how lovely and homey his life would look with someone by his side. Preferably a caring and handsome man with his adorable and amazing son. His life would be perfect.

As he sat there, on his couch with his head thrown back, he thought about it. How it would feel with Eddie and Christopher in his life like that. How fulfilled his life would be if he could wake up to his two favorite people in the whole world. It truly would be the perfect life for him. 

His thoughts were interrupted by the obnoxious ringing of his cellphone. He grabbed it, taking it out of the left pocket of his jeans. His finger hovered over the answer button when the name ‘Eddie’ caught his eye. Shaking his head, he quickly answered the phone. “Hey.” He hoped to god that his friend didn’t hear the quiver in his voice.

“Hey, man.” Eddie greeted him. “I have a favor to ask.” He spoke.

“Sure, man.” 

“Could you possibly watch Christopher tomorrow?” Eddie questioned.

“Yeah, of course.” Buck replied. “I thought you had the day of, though.”

“I did.” Eddie said. “Well, I still do, actually. It’s just… Lena called me this morning. And she asked me if we could go out tomorrow. I haven’t seen her in a while and I really wanted too, so…” 

“Oh.”

“Look, I promise I won’t go street fighting again. I promised you that I was done with that. It’s just, I really liked having her around and I wanted to hang out with her again. So we’re going for drinks, maybe dinner.” 

A date. Eddie was going on a date.

Buck frowned, trying his best to ignore the slight ache he felt in his chest. “That’s cool, dude.” He said. “Yeah, I could definitely spend a day with the little man.”

“Awesome.” 

Buck could hear the breath of relief through the phone. “You know I love that kid, so it’s really not a problem.” 

“I know. Thanks, man. I’ll drop him of at around three. Is that good?” 

“Yeah, for sure. He could spend the night, too. If he wanted, of course. He could sleep in my bed and I’ll take the couch.” Buck spoke.

“You’d do that?” Eddie asked.

“You finally have a date, in like forever.” Buck chuckled, trying not to make it sound pained. “Of course I’d do that. Just have fun, man.” 

“Thank you, Buck.” Eddie breathed out. “You’re the best.”

“I know.” He tried to ignore the single tear that slid down his cheek. “I’ll see you tomorrow, then?” he asked.

“Yeah, I’ll see you then.”

Buck could hear the beep from the end of the call before he even pressed the button. He lowered the phone, his grip on the phone loosened as he stared at the screen. 

In the 5 months of knowing how he felt and how it would mostly end like, he never thought it would be this hard. He knew deep down that it would be pretty painful and difficult. But the pain he felt at that moment was something he wasn't prepared for. A part of him knew that there would come a day when his best friend would tell him something just like that. But another part of him pushed it aside, not wanting to think of it. 

Silent tears rolled down his cheeks. His bottom lip quivered as he tried to hold back a sob. The aching in his chest worsened. It felt like he was being held down. Like someone was deliberately pushing against his chest, making it more difficult for him to breath. It was working, though. He suddenly couldn’t figure out a healthy rhythm to breath. 

A sob erupted, followed by harsh whimpered sounds as he tried to control his breathing. His sight became blurred, completely ruined by the flow of tears that didn’t seem to come to a halt. He placed a hand against his chest, forcefully pulling at his shirt as if it would help to release some of the pressure. 

He tossed his phone to the side before he leaned forward, leaning his head in his hands. His breathing was sharp and uncontrolled. He was full on sobbing, hiccupping through his breaths as he tried not to imagine Eddie with Lena.

“Fuck.” He mumbled. 

He had never felt like this before. So fucking hurt. So fucking stupid. Yeah, that’s it. He had never felt so stupid before. 

A mixture of a sob and laugh blurted past his tear soaked lips. “Fucking idiot.” He really was, though. Because of he was being completely honest with himself, the past few weeks he actually thought he stood a chance. He thought the lingered touches and the kind smiles meant something. He thought that he multiple days spent with the duo meant something more than him taking care of a friend’s son or just friends spending some time together. He thought there was something more. Something that would occasionally make him think that perhaps he would have a life with them. A life that he wanted.

He was wrong. So wrong. Never in his sad excuse of a life had he been more wrong. So stupid. He should’ve seen it coming. He should’ve known that Evan Buckley doesn’t get the have something so fucking good. So fucking perfect. It wasn’t meant for him. Never for him. 

His hands were shaking when he lifted his head up. He roughly wiped them across his face. Angrily wiping away the tears. 

It was exactly five thirty in the afternoon. But that didn’t stop him from walking up the stairs to his bedroom. And it most certainly didn’t stop him from stripping down to his boxers and sliding underneath the covers on his bed. 

It also didn’t stop the tears from rolling down. Again. 

He hated it. He hated how vulnerable he felt. He hated how achingly painful his heart felt. He hated the idea of Eddie with someone else. With Lena. And he hated that there was nothing he could do about it. 

He knew the ache in his chest was permanent. He knew that getting over Eddie was something that would never happen. Ever.

Through the five months of him knowing, he always knew that it would never happen. But that didn’t hold him back from hoping. And god did he hope. With every touch, he hoped. With every hug, he hoped. With every kind smile, he hoped. He just hoped. All the damn time. 

And that was wrong of him. To hope for something with someone who would never be his. It wasn’t right. Not for him. And not for Eddie. 

A groaned escaped past his lips as he rolled onto his back, staring at the ceiling. His head hurt. Maybe from all the thinking he had been doing. Or maybe from the ugly crying. God, he must look like a mess. 

The universe really hated him. 

To him, this was a whole lot more painful than his leg being crushed by a ladder truck. The emotional pain overruled the physical pain. Hands down. This was worse. Because, this, the emotional pain, the aching in his chest, that wasn’t something that could be fixed with a few screws and physical therapy. Hell no. It’s not that easy. 

He squeezed his eyes shut, grumbling a series of curse words when it only resulted in more tears sliding down his face. He threw an arm over his face, covering his eyes. He sighed, hearing his phone ringing from downstairs. 

It could be Maddie. She could be calling to check on him. Or maybe it was Bobby. Or Chimney. Or Hen. Or maybe even Athena. Or it could be Eddie to say that he would be dropping Christopher off earlier than planned because he was going to spend more time with Lena.

The ringing stopped. Silence came soon after. The only sounds coming from Buck who was still trying to even out his breathing. 

He shouldn’t be thinking this, but in all honesty, he wished it was him. He hoped it was him that Eddie was exited to go out with. He wished he was the reason to make Eddie happy. But he wasn’t. And he never would. A least no the way he wanted to.

One day, maybe a long time from now, he would be the best man to Eddie’s wedding. And he would have to watch the love of his life marry someone else. Someone that isn’t him.  
It sucked. Big time. But just as the man himself once told him. He’s just gonna have to suck it up. Because it was never going to be him. And yes, the realization hurt. But it was long overdue. He had been holding on to that fragile string of hope. And he needed to let it go. 

Wishing upon something isn’t going to get him anywhere. Wishing it was him that Eddie would love wasn’t fair either. It wasn’t fair to his best friend. That man deserved to love whomever he wanted. 

It wasn’t fair to his own heart, either. The more he wished, the more unbearable the pain was going to get. 

The familiar ringtone echoed through his apartment again. It sounded so fucking loud. Even though it was downstairs, laying abandoned on the empty couch. 

Buck sighed, not making any move to get out of his bed. “Fuck off.” He mumbled, turning on his side, away from the sound before throwing the covers over his head. He really was going to have a major headache tomorrow.


	2. As My Own

Buck slowly blinked his eyes open. The bright light of the morning glow he had expected wasn’t anywhere to be seen. It was still dark. 

But that didn’t change anything. He had been right. He knew that he would wake up with a major headache. And he was right. It was to be expected, though.

His eyes stung as well. He hadn’t cried so much in a long time. A very long time. So the exhaustion coursing through his body came as no surprise to him. His body wasn’t used to it. It’s been too long since his body had to deal with the aftermath of such heartache. Perhaps, it never had to deal with it before. 

He knew, even before he cried himself to sleep, that the next day would be torture for him. His body would tell him such. It would no doubt show him how physically exhausting it could be to cry so much. To feel so hurt. He knew that his body wouldn’t help him forget. 

He sighed, pulling the covers away, letting the cold air invade the warmth of his body. His skin erupted with goosebumps as he swung his legs over the edge of his bed. He blindly grabbed his jeans from the floor where he discarded them yesterday. He slipped his legs into them before grabbing his shirt and pulling it over his head. 

He made his way downstairs, quickly grabbing his phone of the couch before walking towards the kitchen. He was going to have to clean this mess before Christopher arrived. 

The only positive thing he could think of, was the fact that he would be seeing Christopher today. That was something he was looking forward to. 

He loved that boy. He has always loved children and he always interacted with them because of that. But there was something about that 8-year-old boy that made Buck want to be more than just his dad’s best friend. He loved that boy. As if he was his own kid, really. And it was wrong. So wrong. Because Christopher isn’t his son. He isn’t even related to the kid. And there is no way in hell he would ever be seen as a father figure to that kid. Because he already had one. An amazing father. Who he also loved. And who he also never will be able to call his. No matter how much he wanted that.

A sigh escaped past his lips as he placed the last of the dishes away. At least that was something less to worry about.

He closed the cabinet where he kept all his plates, just as his phone made a dinging sound. He grabbed it. A frown formed on his features when he saw the multiple notifications on the lit phone screen.

Two missed calls. From Eddie.

Eight unread text messages. Two from Maddie. And six from Eddie.

He opened his messages, his finger immediately clicking on Eddie’s contact.

‘Hey, man. Tried calling you but you didn’t pick up.’

‘Are you okay?’

‘You sounded off on the phone.’

‘Just wanted to check on you. It sounded like you were on the verge of crying, man.’

‘Can you call me back?’ 

‘Buck?’

Fuck. 

For some reason, he had hoped that the other man wouldn’t have noticed. He honestly thought that he did an okay job at hiding his pain. Apparently not so okay.

What was he going to do? He can’t lie to Eddie. He can barely lie to anyone. Let alone the man he has fallen in love with. 

Buck walked towards the empty table that only slightly filled up the empty open space in front of the stairwell. He sat down on the chair furthest away from the front door, looking outside. 

It was raining. Pouring, even. In Buck’s eyes, the outside looked exactly like how Buck felt. Cold. Lonely. Broken. Yeah, that was a pretty accurate description. 

The rain kept falling from the dark skies. It all looked like a scene from a drama movie that didn’t end on a happy note.

His phone was lying abandoned on the table. He didn’t have the courage to text back. He didn’t know what he would say. And whatever he would come up with, Eddie would see right through him. He didn’t want that. He didn’t want his best friend to figure out he was lying about something. He couldn’t do that to the man. He deserved better. Way better. Better than him, at least.

The rattling of keys against his front door didn’t snap him out of his thought. It was probably Maddie. She did text him. Two messages were still left unread on his phone from her. He didn’t need to read them to know that she just wanted to give him a heads up before coming over. 

The door opening didn’t stop him from letting a tear roll down his cheek. He was going to have to explain it to her. She would be expecting him to tell him everything. To say what’s on his mind. To think about it some more. 

He didn’t want that. He probably didn’t have the energy for that. But mostly, he didn’t feel like recalling the worst phone call of his life. 

A sob erupted as he leaned down, placing his elbows on his knees so he could hide his face in his hands. He hated when he had to let Maddie see him like this. Cause he knew that wasn’t something his sister was too keen on seeing. He still was her little brother in her eyes. 

“Buck?” 

His thought were running wild. The sobs he was letting out mixed with the rapid beating of his heart were the only things he could hear.

His chest felt tight. Was it supposed to feel like that? Did it feel like that yesterday? He can’t remember. Or focus. Yeah, he should probably focus. On his breathing. That was probably a good idea.

Fuck, when did his breathing come out as desperate gasps? It was like he was trying to get air in his lungs but it was automatically pushed back out.

“Buck?!” 

Hands wrapped themselves around his wrists, pulling them away from his face. He couldn’t see though. His eyes were squeezed shut. He didn’t want see. He didn’t want to see the worried look on his sister’s face. 

“Buck, listen to me.” 

He let his hands be guided back down until they were laying unmoving on his lap. 

“Buck. You’re okay. Come on, listen to me.” 

A pair of rough hands cupped his cheeks. He felt how two fingers wiped at his tears, right underneath his eyes. God, he must look like a mess.

Wait. Rough hands?

He snapped his eyes open. His eyes were blurry, glossy from all the tears that were still falling down his cheeks. He blinked rapidly, trying to get a clear look at what was happening.

His eyes landed on a pair of worried dark brown ones. Maddie had brown eyes. It wasn’t Maddie though. Fuck. Of course it wasn’t Maddie. It was Eddie. The same man he hadn’t replied to. The same man he was having this pathetic breakdown over. The same man he was head over heels in love with but couldn’t have. Great. 

“Eddie?” 

Said man frowned, not moving to release his hold on Buck’s face. “What the hell was that, Buck?” He questioned, his voice laced with worry. “Why didn’t you call me back? Or text me?” 

Buck could only shrug, looking down at his lap so he didn’t have to look in those anymore.

“Has this been happening the whole day? Is that why you didn’t reply? You know I could’ve helped, right?” 

Shaking his head, showing his friend that he disagreed with that statement was probably not a smart idea. But he did it anyways. He couldn’t lie. Not to Eddie.

“Why not? Buck, what’s going on? Talk to me, man.” His hands slipped from his friend’s face, coming to rest on his hands. He grabbed a hold of them, squeezing them to try and comfort the other man.

“It’s nothing.” He muttered. His brows furrowed in a frown when he heard Eddie scoff.

“It wasn’t nothing, Buck.” Eddie started. “I literally just walked in on you having a fucking panic attack. Don’t ever tell me that was nothing, ever again. You hear me?” 

“I’m sorry.”

Eddie sighed. “Don’t apologize.” His voice was stern. “I just want to know what’s going on with you. Just talk to me.” 

“I can’t.” Buck muttered. A fresh tear rolled down his cheek and he couldn’t help but let out a whimper when Eddie quickly moved to wipe it away before letting his hand fall back to its previous position.

“Why not?”

“Because it’s abou-..” Buck sighed, closing his eyes. “I just can’t.”  
Eddie stared at his best friend. He looked tired. Exhausted. He hated seeing Buck like this. “Evan?” He tried.

“Please don’t.” Another whimper left his lips, sounding pained and broken. “Please just… please just leave. I want to be alone.”

“Fuck no.”

He looked up. His clouded blue eyes meeting the brown one of his best friend. They looked angry. He made Eddie angry. Again, great. “Eddie.” 

“No.” Eddie snapped. “I’m not leaving you like this, Evan.” He spoke. “Do you know how worried I was? When I called, you sounded like you were a second away from bursting out in tears. And then I called again but you didn’t answer. And then again. And then… you didn’t answer any of my texts. I was so fucking worried okay. You scared me. So don’t you dare ask me to leave again, Evan. Because I won’t. No fucking way.”

Of course that made him cry again. Or more. He didn’t know if he had even stopped crying at all.

“Evan.” Eddie muttered. “Come here.” He reached his hands out to wrap them around Buck’s neck, pulling him down so he could burry his face into Eddie’s shoulder. “It’s okay.” He gently rubbed a hand up and down the taller man’s back, trying to calm him down.

“It’s not.” Buck hiccupped, shaking his head from where it was still placed in the crook of Eddie’s neck. “It’s not okay. I’m so sorry.” 

“Evan, calm down. You’re fine. I got you.” 

“I’m not.” The words sounded more like broken gasps in between the tear-soaked sobs. “It’s not. I’m so sorry.” 

“For the love of god. Stop apologizing. You didn’t do anything wrong.” Eddie felt hands grip the front of his shirt. He felt the uneven breaths against the side of his neck. He felt how his best friend was completely shaking with the force of his sobs. “Please calm down.” He whispered. 

“I can’t.” Buck whined. “I can’t. Please, just…” 

“Shhh… It’s okay. Just take deep breaths.” Eddie spoke. “Good, just like that. Just try and calm down, okay? You’re doing great.”

It felt like forever. When in hind sight, it only took him a couple of minutes to get his breathing to return to normal. Aside from the few hiccups, here and there. 

Embarrassed is one word to describe how he felt. Pathetic is another one. But they both did a good job to translate Buck’s feelings into words.

Buck could feel Eddie pulling back. He felt how the other man placed his hands on either side of his neck and how he, himself, didn’t release the tight grip he held on Eddie’s shirt.  
“Evan, look at me.” Eddie encouraged. “Come on.” 

He did what Eddie told him to do. He listened to the man’s words and opened his eyes, looking his best friend in the eyes. He thought he would see the same worried look from before. Maybe even mixed with a hint of anger. Cause Buck wasn’t stupid. Eddie was angry at him. Even if it was only a little bit. He heard it in the man’s voice minutes ago.

But that wasn’t what he saw. No. He saw the love of his life looking at him with a kind smile and dark brown eyes filled with patience and was that love? Oh, it could be. Like one would love their brother or sister. Or best friend. Cause that’s what they were best friends. Nothing more.

“You okay?” Eddie questioned, his thumb rubbing soothing circles on his right cheek.

Buck didn’t answer that question. He just stared. How could he not. The man he had come to love was crouching down in front of him. Right in front of him. That man was taking care of him. Comforting him.

He really shouldn’t stare. He shouldn’t leave Eddie hanging. But he couldn’t find his words. They were caught in his throat as he stared at the man before him. He looked really pretty. His dark brown eyes made him feel warm. Mad him feel safe. And the soft and gentle touches. He loved it. He didn’t want it to stop. And his lips. God, those lips. The way they formed the most gorgeous smile. They looked so pink and soft. And so kissable. 

This was probably what his subconscious was so afraid of. Him doing something stupid that could easily ruin the best thing he ever had. Like accidentally spilling everything to Eddie. Or kissing him.

Like for example, right now. He was fine. He hadn’t said a word about it. Gave away no hints to make the other man question him. Nothing. He was safe. He was good. 

But then, he wasn’t. Cause he wasn't thinking. Or he was. Vividly so. About the other man’s lips. About his very straight best friend who he was in love with. About the man who was sitting only a few inches away from him only to comfort him. About the man who he was suddenly kissing.

He was right. They did feel soft. They felt exactly like how he thought they would feel. Like heaven. 

He felt Eddie’s hands fall from his neck as he went to pull him closer with the grip on his shirt. He wanted him closer. He wanted him to move. Wait. Eddie wasn’t moving. His body was completely tense as it remained frozen. Just like his lips. Unmoving. 

And fuck. What did he do?

He pulled away, eyes wide open as he stared at Eddie in complete shock. “I’m so sorry.” He rushed out. He didn’t wait for a response. “Fuck, I didn’t mean to… I’m so sorry.” He quickly released the dead grip he still had on Eddie shirt before standing up. His chair fell backwards from the sudden movement. 

He couldn’t care. Not about some stupid chair. Not when his best friend was still sitting crouched in front of the now fallen chair with a shocked expression on his face. 

That was it. He had really done it this time. He fucked up. Big time.


	3. Babe

That was it. He fucked it up for good. There was no way he could come up with a perfect excuse to explain to his best friend why he had done what he did. Why he had kissed him. No way. He had permanently screwed up the best thing he had ever had. 

He couldn’t look at him. He couldn’t look his best friend in the eye. He wasn’t strong enough. He knew that the moment he turned around he would see the disgust and shock in his best friend’s eyes. And he couldn’t do that to himself. Because the second he saw that, he would break. Even more so than he already was. 

In a matter of seconds, he found himself in the kitchen. His hands were leaning on the counter as he tried to focus on his breathing. 

This wasn’t healthy. If he didn’t get control of his feelings right now, this would be the third one. The third panic attack over his stupid feelings he can’t seem to get a grip on.

“Fucking idiot.” 

His head hung low, almost with his chin against his chest. He could feel how bad his body was shaking. Could see it too. He could feel how the rapid beating of his heart was perfectly aligned with the obnoxious banging in his head. 

Was this how heartbreak felt? Was this how it felt to have your heart ripped out and broken into a million pieces? was he supposed to live like this for the rest of his life? 

Through his harsh intakes of breath, Buck could hear the echoing of footsteps. He could hear Eddie walking away. He was going to leave. He was going to walk out of that door and out of Buck’s life. 

“No.” He whimpered. “No no no no no.” He shook his head, trying to block everything out. He didn’t want to hear it. He didn’t want to hear the sound of the most important person in his life leaving. He couldn’t. “Please.” The plea sounded like a broken whisper. So quiet. Like it was only meant for himself. “Please.”

He didn’t know what he was begging for. Maybe for the pounding in his head to stop. Or for his breathing to become somewhat normal again. Or perhaps for the nauseating aching in his chest. 

His tears kept flowing. They rolled down his cheeks, dripping of his chin only to land on his hands which were becoming too weak to support him. 

The trembling of his body worsened as he slowly turned around, sliding down the counter until he was sitting on the ground.

He felt small. Vulnerable and fragile. He probably looked like a child with the way he had his knees pulled up to his chest and his arms wrapped around them. He buried his face into his knees as he kept trying to take deep breaths.

It didn’t work. Hiccups erupted from his chest every time he took a deep breath. 

He wouldn’t admit this out loud. Not easily so, anyway. But he was scared. Terrified even. And not of his stupid panic like state of mind. But of being alone. He was scared of the thought of Eddie leaving him. Of never seeing him again. 

His heart kept beating in an unhealthy fast rhythm. It was hammering against his chest, making it feel even more difficult to take long even breaths. Just like before, it felt like someone was pushing against his chest. Deliberately trying to make it harder for him to breath. 

He shuddered when a hand came to rest on his shoulder before slowly being dragged up until it was laying gently on the back of his head. 

This was it. He was going to be rejected. He was going to be told that I was never going to happen. He was going to feel his heart break all over again.

“Evan?” Eddie’s soft voice filled his ears. “I need you to calm down.” Eddie placed his other hand on top of Buck’s arm as he rubbed soothing circles behind his ear with his thumb. “You need to take deep breaths for me. Come on.”

Calm down? Why was he telling him to calm down? Why wasn’t he telling that he didn’t want what Buck wanted? 

“Evan, please. Just listen to me. Focus on my voice.” 

Why did he sound so gentle? Why wasn’t he mad? Angry?

Buck shook his head, pulling his arms tighter around his knees. He found comfort listening to Eddie talking and the soft touches. But that wasn’t going to last. His friend was just trying to get him to calm down. His friend was just being a good person. That was it. Nothing more.

“Yes, Evan. Come on. For me? Please?” He softly squeezed the back of Buck’s neck, encouraging him with a single touch. “I don’t like seeing you like this, okay. Come on. Breath for me, please?” 

He nodded his head. He was going to have to face it either way. With or without words. And if it meant that the moment he was calm and collected he was going to be rejected, he was just going to have to deal with it. 

“Good.” Eddie muttered. “Just take one deep breath. Good. And let it out. Yeah, there we go. Come on, again. Just like before.” 

Buck listened to Eddie, repeating the action again. He hated it. It was actually working. It was calming him down. It was doing the job. But that only meant that he was getting closer to what was going to be the most painful thing he’d have to deal with. 

“That’s good. You with me?” Eddie questioned. He tugged at Buck’s arm, trying to coax him out of hiding. “Evan?” He frowned when all he received was silence.

He could breath again, without feeling like his lungs were being squeezed shut. And his tears were slowing down. Slowing down, not stopping. There was no point, anyway. It was going to start all over again the moment Eddie left his flat so there was not point in even trying to stop them.

“Evan, can you please look at me?” 

He shook his head. Of course he shook his head. There was no way he was willingly going to look Eddie in the eyes during this part. No way.

“Why not?” 

Why not? Good question. Because maybe he didn’t want this to be the way he saw his best friends face for the last time. Or because he didn’t want to face the hard truth whilst looking the man in the eyes only to see nothing. No love. No kindness. Maybe because he was weak. Too weak to look him in the eyes whilst being rejected.

“Evan, come on.” Eddie spoke, the words spoken underneath his breath making it sound like a mere whisper. “Please look at me.” 

He wanted to. He really wanted to. But he couldn’t. so he remained completely still, focusing on the warmth of Eddie’s hand on his neck. That was probably his new favorite thing. It felt safe and gentle. He loved it. And he wanted to hold on to it for as long as he could.

“Whatever’s going on in that head of yours, you can tell me. You can talk to me.” Eddie spoke, slowly dragging the hand that was placed on Buck’s arm up to join his other one. “Evan?” 

“Please don’t.” Buck whispered. “Please.”

“Don’t what?” Eddie asked. He could hear Buck sniffing, most likely from a new set of tears. “Hey, what’s wrong?” 

“Nothing.” The words were mumbled. “Please just…”

“I am not leaving you, Evan. So don’t even think of asking me again.” The tone that was used left no room for arguments. He was serious. 

How is he still here? How is he not leaving? And why is he being so patient and kind? 

He could feel the tender touches of Eddie’s hands. He could feel how close the other man was. He was probably on his knees right in front of him. He was so close. Maybe even as close as he was before. Before Buck fucked it all up. Yeah, he definitely shouldn’t look up right now.

“Evan, please look at me.” 

“I can’t.” Buck mumbled.

“Yes you can.” Eddie spoke, his voice steady and sure. “Come on, babe. Please?” 

Babe. Buck had imagined a lot of things these last few months. He imagined being a family. He imagined waking up next to the man, watching the morning sun reflect on Eddie’s face. He imagined how it would feel to be loved by the other man. Would probably feel like heaven. Just like the kiss. But being called babe? That was something he never imagined before. He should have, though. He should’ve know how much he would’ve love it. 

He shook his head. He can’t start thinking of things like that. He needs to keep his head clear form thoughts like that. 

“Babe?” 

It sounded so real. And now that he thought of it, that is exactly how it would sound like coming of Eddie’s lips. Laced with the roughness of hi voice but the yet gentle like his kind heart. 

“Baby, please.” 

He slowly lifted his head up, blinking a few times to get used to the light. It hurt. He could still feel the pounding in his head. And yeah, that hurt too. But the expression on Eddie’ face was worse. It held nothing but kindness and worry. 

“Hi.” Eddie smiled, moving his thumbs over Buck’s cheeks to wipe away the few tears. 

Buck frowned. Why was he smiling? 

“Evan? What’s wrong?” Eddie questioned when he saw the confused look on Buck’s face. 

See? He only imagined it. It was all in his head. His own mind was playing games with his heart, making him believe that something good could come out of this. When in reality, Eddie was just trying to be friendly. He was just trying to be a good person.

Buck bit down on his lower lip as he locked gaze with Eddie’s dark brown ones. They were so beautiful. So kinds looking. So Eddie. So perfect.

“Babe?” 

Buck’s eyes widened. His bright blue eyes stared in shock at the man before him. he wasn’t imagining it. It wasn’t all in his head. He just saw it. He saw Eddie’s lips move when the word echoed in his head. It was real. 

Why was it real? What was happening?

“What?” 

He frowned, not liking how tiny and fragile that sounded. It made him sound so insecure. So uncertain. 

“Okay, come on.” Eddie pulled away from Buck, letting his hands leave Buck’s body as he stood up. He reached out a hand, smiling softly at the man before him. 

Buck stared at the hand. The same hand that had been comforting him only a few seconds ago. He reached out his trembling hand, grasping onto the extended one from Eddie.  
Eddie pulled him up so that he was standing right in front of him. His smile never budged when he let go of Buck’s hand. It only brightened the smallest amount as he took a single step closer to the nervous man leaning against the counter. 

Buck watched in complete silence as Eddie placed his hands on both sides of his face for the second time since he arrived. He could feel how close Eddie was standing. It honestly felt as if they were pressed against each other. Chest to chest. 

“I don’t know what’s happening to you. Or what’s making you panic like this. But whatever it is, I’m here, okay? I’ll always be here for you, babe.” Eddie spoke. He looked into Buck’s eyes as he spoke, hoping it would be enough to make the man realize he didn’t have to bottle things up. That he could talk to someone. That he could talk to him.

A silence fell between the two men. One was staring patiently at the other, waiting to see his response. The other was trying his best to figure out what was happening. His eyes searched Eddie’s face, trying to find a clue, any clue to know if he was joking or playing around. 

“Babe?” Buck whispered, a frown forming on his features.

Eddie chuckled. “That’s all you got from that?” 

Buck nodded, not knowing how else to respond. He wanted to know. He needed to know if what he said was what he thought it could be.

The smile on Eddie’s face was replaced with a frown, his lips pursing together as he saw the confusion and pain flow through those beautiful blue eyes. “Please don’t tell me that this is the reason you panicked like that.” 

Now what was he supposed to say to that? He never was a good liar. And Eddie had the gift of telling when someone wasn’t being truthful to him just by the expression on their face. 

So he shrugged his shoulders, letting his eyes drop to the floor to look at the floor. He watched as a single tear dropped down, landing on the tip of Eddie’s dark brown shoes. 

“Oh, babe.” Eddie muttered. “Hey, look at me.”

Buck felt a finger slip underneath his chin. He could feel how it nudged him the tiniest bit, encouraging him to look back up. To not hide.

“Look at me, Evan.” Eddie started. “I love you. You are my best friend and I love you. I love how amazing you are as a person. Your beautiful fucking soul. You don’t think about yourself. You just want other people to be happy. And while I love that about you, that is really something you need to work on, okay? You need to put yourself first from time to time.” He spoke. “And you know what I love about you as well?” 

Buck shook his head, shrugging his shoulders in reply.

“I love how you are around Christopher. You love him. I can tell that. Any person with eyes can tell that. You just have this way with him that I’m jealous about. Cause I know that you guys have a bond that I’ll never have with him. But that’s okay. Because I have a bond with him too. It’s different, but it’s still a bond. And you. God, you have no idea how much I love you.”

His sight was becoming blurry. Tears were gathering, threatening to spill as he listened to the man talk.

Please let him have this. Please.

“Your eyes. God those eyes. I could look at them all day. And your smile. Whenever I see you smile I can’t help but feel content. And genuinely happy. Because you make me happy, Evan. You make me so happy.”

“Babe.” Buck interrupted.

Eddie tilted his head to the side, raising a single eyebrow in confusion.

“Call me babe, please.” He muttered. He felt his cheeks burning up, turning bright red as he saw the confusion slip away from Eddie’s features only to be replaced by pure amusement.

“You like it that much, huh?” Eddie asked, smirking at the slightly taller man. “That’s good. Cause I love calling you that. Babe.”

Buck shuddered, a wave of chills running up and down his body. “You really love me?” And fuck. Why did he have to sound so fucking small. He was a grown up man, for crying out loud.

“I really love you, babe.” His serious tone matched the serious expression on his face. “I am so in love with you, Evan Buckley.” 

And there it was. The last straw. The final blow to make a fresh set of tears fall down Buck’s already tear strained cheeks. 

Before he knew what he was doing, he had his arms wrapped around Eddie’s waist, pulling him close into a hug. He buried his face in the crook of the man’s shoulder and cried. Or sobbed. Either way, he was a mess. But he didn't care. Because Eddie loved him, too. Eddie was in love with him. Just like how Buck was in love with Eddie. He wasn't alone. Not anymore. 

“I love you, too. So fucking much.” He said in between hiccups. “I love you.” 

He felt Eddie’s strong arms wrap around his shoulder, one hand coming up to cradle his head. “Shhh… It’s okay, babe. I got you.” He whispered. “I won’t leave. I’ll never leave.”  
Was this real? It couldn’t be. It felt so good, though. So perfect. Like he was meant to be held by this man. 

He tightened his grip around the man’s waist, afraid that this was all a dream. That he would wake up and he would be gone. 

“I love you.” 

“I know. I love you too, babe.” Eddie mumbled. “I’m here. It’s okay. I’m not going anywhere.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just want to say thank you for all the lovely comments.  
This is my first Buddie fic so it was amazing for me to see all the positive responses to it.  
I'm thinking about making this a collection. So I can post more one-shots or short stories about Buddie. Cause they deserve it. Obviously.  
I also decided to add a final chapter to this short fic because I felt like adding some kind of epilogue to this. Something a little less angst filled.  
It will be up in the next couple of days.


	4. On My Mind

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! Sorry for the late update, you guys. I got kinda stuck at some point while writing this chapter but I finally finished it.  
It's a little shorter than the others but it was kind of an extra chapter.  
This is the last part of this fic, so I hope you like it.

It felt like hours. It really did. Maybe it was because he honestly thought he would never have this. That he would never feel that kind of love from the one person he wanted it from. 

In reality, though, it was only a couple of minutes before Eddie pulled away from the hug. 

And if Buck was relieved to feel how the other man made no move to remove his arms from around Buck’s neck, that no one would know. It would be his little secret. 

“I probably look like a mess.” Buck muttered, letting go of Eddie’s waist to quickly wipe away the wetness on his face. He immediately put his hand back on the older man’s waist, gripping the shirt in between his hands. 

“You don’t.” Eddie whispered.

Buck looked up from where he was staring at the ground, to see the soft look in those brown eyes. “Eddie…” He started. “I’m sorry.” 

Eddie’s brows furrowed into a frown at the sound of the other man’s apology. “Why are you apologizing?” He questioned. 

“Because… Because I was being stupid and panicked over nothing.” A sigh slipped past his lips when he saw the look of disbelief on Eddie’s face. “I made you worry for no reason and I’m sorry.”

“Okay, first of all, don’t you ever apologize for something you can’t control.” Eddie spoke. “You’re a firefighter, babe. You of all people should know that having a panic attack is not something you can control. And I know you. You wouldn’t just panic over nothing. Whatever it was, it scared you and that is not something you should apologize for. Ever. Got it?” 

Buck nodded, softly biting down on his lower lip. Was it wrong to find him attractive like this? Stern yet caring. 

“Talk to me, babe.” Eddie whispered. He unwrapped his arms from around Buck’s neck so he could place both his hands on the side of his face. He softly stroked is thumb across Buck’s left cheek, wiping away the remaining bit of wetness. 

Buck stared at the man in front of him. Eddie was looking right back at him, his lips puled in a soft smile. It automatically brought a small smile on Buck’s lips.

“I love you.” Buck whispered, his eyes not looking away from Eddie.

Eddie smiled, his left hand giving the back of Buck’s neck a gentle squeeze. “I know, babe. I love you too.” He spoke.

Buck shook his head. “No, I..” He started, his eyebrows furrowing. He scrunched his nose up in frustration. “I’m in love with you.” He said. “I’ve been in love with you for five months now. Maybe even more, but five months ago I realized it. And I’ve been trying to live with the fact that I love you like that but that you probably don’t. And it’s been hell.”  
“Oh, babe.” Eddie whispered, pulling himself closer to Buck.

Buck shrugged, letting a sigh escape past his lips. “I always knew that one day it would really hit me that you didn’t feel the same but it was in the back of my mind, you know? So I never put that much thought in it. But then when you called me yesterday, it really hit me. You sounded so excited to go out with Lena and I just… I panicked, I guess. I love you. I’ve never loved someone so much like how I love you. And I just want you to be happy. If that’s not with me than that’s okay.” 

“Baby?” Eddie muttered, encouraging Buck to look back up at him. “I didn’t realize you said that it was a date until I hung up. I called you again after that. Wanted to make it clear that I was just two friends hanging out. Not a date.” Eddie spoke. “But you didn’t answer. And you didn’t reply to any of my texts.”

“Sorry.” 

“No it’s okay. I just got a little worried cause it sounded a lot like you were crying on the phone. Or trying to hold it back. So I dropped Chris of at abuela’s and came straight over here.” Eddie said. “I just really needed to check on you and I guess that was a good thing.”

“What about Lena?” Buck questioned. 

“What about her?”

“Aren’t hanging out with her today?” Buck asked. “I mean, you can go. You don’t have to stay here. I’m okay.” 

A chuckle erupted in Eddie’s chest. “Okay, first of all, it’s still he same day. It’s only been a few hours since I called you. And second, I would never leave you like this. I would never leave you period.” He said. “I already called Lena, before I came her. I cancelled our plans.” 

Buck’s eyes widened. “What? You cancelled on your plans because of me? Eddie, no. You deserve a night out. You deserve to be happy.” He muttered the last part.

“And I am.” Eddie said, a serious expression covered his features. “With you.” 

“Really?” Buck questioned.

“Really.” 

Buck couldn’t help but let out a sigh of relief, his shoulders slightly shuddering as he did so. 

Eddie chose to stay. He chose to cancel his plans with Lena so he could be here with Buck. Whom he told he loved. Who he was holding. So close and so fucking gentle. There was no way this was real. He must be dreaming. Yeah, he probably imagined all of this. But the hands cupping his head felt so warm. So real. 

“Why did you think it was already the next day?” Eddie questioned, breaking the silence. He watched as Buck’s shoulders slumped down. His expression changed in a matter of seconds. The look of relief washing away only to be replaced with hesitation. “Babe?”

Buck sighed, looking down at the floor. “I may have panicked right after you called. So when it stopped, the panic attack, I guess, I was so tired. I uh, I went upstairs to sleep. And I guess not for as long as I thought I did.” 

Eddie’s eyes widened as he listened to Buck speak. “So you’re telling me that you basically had three panic attacks in one day?” He questioned, a bewildered expression covering his features. “Because of me?” 

Shocked blue eyes stared at him, not missing the guilt in the other man’s tone. “What? NO!” He exclaimed. “It wasn’t because of you. It was because of my feeling for you.” He spoke. “I just got really overwhelmed by the idea of you dating someone else. Someone that isn’t me.”

Eddie sighed, dragging his hands down. His left hand lingered on his shoulder, staying put as his right hand slowly inched lower to rest on Buck’s chest, right above his heart. “Trust me when I tell you this.” Eddie said. “There is no one else I want. You are it for me, babe.” He took a tiny step forward, closing the remaining bit of space between them. “You are the one I want to go on dates with. You are the one I want to have in my arms. You are the one I want to wake up next to. The one who I would love to be a parent figure to Christopher.” His voice was soft as he spoke. “And babe, you are the only one I want to kiss.”

Buck didn’t respond. He didn’t know how he would, anyway. It was a bit much. One minute he thought that he had just ruined the best thing that ever happened to him. And the next, he was quite literally having the best experience in his life. It was quite a turn of events.

He looked at Eddie, only to see the man already staring back at him with those brown eyes that held nothing but happiness and love. Was this his life? God, he sure hoped it was.  
“Can I kiss you?” Eddie asked, words spoken in a mere whisper. 

Yeah, he definitely wasn’t going to say no to that. Like ever.

“Please.” Buck pleaded. 

His heart was acting up again. Beating a fast irregular pace as he felt the nerves creeping up his body. 

Buck liked to think that he was the one who leaned in and finally connected their lips. He liked to think that he was the one who made the first move. Well, second move if you count his little stunt from before along with it.

But he wasn’t.

He did nothing, really. He just stood there. His body frozen to the ground as he nervously watched Eddie lean in closer. He didn’t move a single muscle. 

It wasn’t until he felt the soft lips surrounded by the harshness of Eddie’s stubble gently placed into his that he suddenly remembered how to properly breath. And yeah that sound cheesy as hell, but that was exactly how it felt like. A certain weight finally lifted of his shoulder. A sense of relief and calmness surging through his body. 

Buck couldn’t help but sigh in utter relief as he pulled Eddie impossibly closer by the waist. His hands gripped the side of Eddie’s waist, fingers only slightly digging into the flesh as he leaned in closer. Deepening the kiss.

There was no space between them. Their bodies were pressed against each other but Eddie loved it. He inched up, wrapping both his arms back around the taller man’s neck as he moved his lips passionately against Buck’s.

It was Eddie that pulled away first, resting his forehead against Buck’s but not making a single move to put some space between them. “Wow.” He breathed out. 

“Yeah.” Was all Buck responded with.

“I really fucking love you, Evan Buckley.” Eddie spoke.

“And I really fucking love you, Eddie Diaz.” Buck replied.

Yeah, he was going to be okay.

They were going to be okay. Cause they had each other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I already have like ideas for a bunch of Buddie one-shots or short stories.  
So I'm gonna make this a part of the collection.  
Anyways, I hope you guys enjoyed this one.


End file.
